Oh What a Night! - Catholic Night at Heaven

  Our Religious Affairs correspondent was lucky enough to receive an invite to the party of all parties, yes the Catholic Coming Out night at the so, so trendy and hot nightclub Heaven in London last Friday. We here present his, near breathless at times, report and interview with Monsignor Santo Avrilo, the spokesperson for the Once Secret But Now No More Gay Cabal.

  - Well, with me here the next day, over strong coffee and toast, I have Monsignor Avrilo. Welcome Sir.

  - Nice to be here, really, really nice.

  - So was it fun last night?

  - Oh My Lord Yes, Oh My Lord it was so fine.

  - Just so as out readers can get an idea of the momentous nature of this past
     event, as it wasn't really just all disco, poppers and glitter now was it?

  -  No, no, it was momentous as you say. Well The Secret Gay Cabal had been
     around since the early Middle Ages. We had obviously tried to keep a low profile   
     but did try to keep things happening at the weekends, parties and such, all-in
     vacations to Rio and Bangkok, you know things like that. In more recent times
     we have had some wonderfully successful cross-dressing do's, you know 'Come
     as Your Favourite Film Star' things alike that, and could I say sweetheart we had 
     exceptional Judy Garlands and Marilyn's, oh so wonderful, the memories, the 
     memories.

   - Sounds like a lovely night out Monsignor.

   - Oh honey, call me Santo, please.

   - Well, as I say Santo, sounds glorious for you all, but wasn't this all secret, my the
     logistics of it all, the toing and fringe, the frocks, the hair, the glamour, how did
     you manage it al?

    - Well yes, it was hard, so very hard, but we did, we pulled it off. But of course its
      such a sweet sweet relief to be able to put on our Catholic Night here at
      Heaven, just loud and proud, but at the same time just relieved that the secrecy
      is all over and done with now.

    - Yes, I would imagine so Santo, now that the Once Secret Gay Cabal is no
       longer a secret gay cabal, and thats what last night was all about is it not?

    - Yes, such a relief, such a joy, and to see so many of the clergy here tonight.
       My goodness did you see the Prelates getting down, my my … and the
       Bishop of Milwaukee, lord lord, I almost blushed a bright , bright pink  …oh my
       such times …    

   - And El Popo himself of course.

   - Yes El Popo, boy did he look happy.

   -  Well he did have those ladyboy handmaidens did he not?

   - Oh yes, weren't they lovely, so lovely, lucky, lucky, man. We chartered a jet
      from Thailand and just filled it to the rafters … filled it … oh those lovelys …
     such sweet boy-girls too, but frisky though, let em tell you …

    - Yes I saw you enjoying your self there.

    - Well of course, who could resist, certainly not the members of The Once Secret
      Gay cabal, oh know, oh know, we couldn't resist that … so sweet, so sweet …

    - And the music?

    - Oh yes, the sounds. We tried for an authentic yet nostalgic gay night. Tried and
       names were there of course … Madonna, Boy George, Rihanna by satellite,
      also some tribute performers from the glory days … Sylvester, Gloria Gaynor,
      but no Village People, not this time, they were unfortunately booked elsewhere
      The Secret Gay Cabal of the U.S. Senate I believe …

     - And the backrooms? Some I couldn't even get a peek in.

     - Oh yes, well, the backrooms, what times what times …. centuries of acting in
       the dark brought into the light, so to speak, even if it was closely monitored by a  
       doorman.

     -  Yes, well I can only imagine …

     - Oh yes honey, imagine away, Ha!

     - So finally Santo, a great night?

     - Oh yes a mighty night, loved it, loved it.

     - Any future plans?

     - Well I have been in touch with The Secret Communist Cabal, they are  of
       course a serious lot, but the stories of last night are already getting around and
       I hear they are really, really ready to party down.

     - In Heaven again?

     - No, we have plans, well not plans just some ideas … we're thinking of
       occupying a Trump Tower or somesuch … there'll we massive giveaways,
       free food etc etc … we could actually run a kinda secret rave scene thingy 
       where we occupy and loot and plunder and dance and fuck and drink and
       smoke in the very best palaces throughout the world … but that is a secret is
       it not, our cabals and their plans.

     - Oh yes, secret.

      They both smile.         

         

              Catholic Night at Heaven This Friday March 1st, Be There My Honeys

   We need to go out with a big bang my precious, precious boys and boy-girls and so this coming Friday in London at Heaven, the exclusive nightclub, not the place upstairs that we are promised if we're good, like kids who do their homework, but actually not a lot of us are really

going to make it there, lets just be honest here, but anyway, I digress. So this coming Friday in expectation of the coming implosion of the Catholic Church it has been decided after an all-night meeting of the secret gay cabal, well once-secret gay cabal, to just let our hair down, be wild, be free, be ourselves, be proud, and party, party, party ... all night long. There will be video hook-ups, metaphorically speaking, with all the old dudes and El Popo himself, who of course cannot make it this time, as much as he really, really would like too, but really shouldn't risk it because of the ongoing legal problems and the chance of falling into the hands of Interpol, and the Australian clergy have petitioned to have a live-feed, wouldn't want to miss this party for sure, but it was felt that the abominable criminal nature of their past crimes against children was just too, too god almighty much to

face, and this night would be about coming out, about acceptance, about being loud and proud, in our ermine tinged red robes and frocks or mighty spectres and wands, our stardust and glitter, our Dorothy slippers. About stopping pretending, about finally admitting 'who gives a hoot really' ... after all whats the big deal, its a silly, silly piece of utter foolishness that we have lived with all this time, shoot, some are gay some are not, who cares. We feel a tad guilty for our past transgressions on this issue, especially

considering our own mighty gayness but hey, lets just say "Sorry!" .. wave our hands in the air and get down.

  Refreshments will be provided by Smirnoff Vodka and Alqimia Tequila Anejo, best Cali homegrown is provided by the Archdiocese of Humboldt County, best golden Moroccan hash by Ali Ben Hashisheen from Fez, and the very, very best black Afghani will be flown in from that suffering, suffering country and offered at special extremely high prices, which we will not argue with, in fact we'll be obliged to trade in our rings and pearls for it, and all proceeds will go the children of the Khyber Pass. Music will be by Muchacho's Machismo Boogie Nights, prizes will be awarded for the best costumes, best dancer and best all round 'guy who can perform real cool gay sex acts which he had only dreamed of before but now has the chance to do.'

  And finally realizing that disco down gays so to speak represent only one color in our rainbow of gayness, we must point out that all 'ordinary' gay guys are welcome too, you know the ones just like the Postman or the Librarian or the T.V. repairman, all are welcome, but just come prepared to dance, prepared to indulge yourself, prepared to mix-it-up with the Newly Proclaimed and Announced Gay contingent of Catholicism, be there or be square ... for sure now.